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Sunday, 23 May 2010,12:20 AM
aloha!
its been a while (a year to be more exact) since i last logged in and blog.
well i am distracted once again, should be revising for my exam that happens the day after tomorrow. kinda ironic that the previous blog post was also made during my exam revision which were to be the day after tml as well.
anyway i caught a rerun of 'the lakehouse' on tv whilst studying and there goes my attention span, or what was lack of it anyway.
if you haven watch 'the lakehouse' before, its a romance story between sandra bullok and keanu reaves that transcends beyong time and thru a postbox medium. anyway after watching the movie, it kinda pulls my heart strings as i wonder if i can ever find such love in the real world. before u say anything, i would like to defend myself as i know that such plots (time traveling items) does not exist....yet(i dun want to rule out future possibilites). BUT wouldn't it be nice to have someone loving you even though it is not possible to be together????
yes it is selfish of me to think this way, but still i wish.....i hope...... that i will one day experience the happy ending romance in my life.
So now, back to reality and give up those silly motions and STUDY you daydreaming girl!!!!!
Thursday, 14 May 2009,1:58 AM
Hates exams... always can't find the motivation to seat down and start studying. its like i get restless every hour or so.
how i wish that i've got a talent which is to have super photographic memory.
then i only got to read the page once and everything is engraved into my brain. then i dun have to feel scared or nervous about what may be questioned during the paper or get blanked out.
sighz
its only my wishful thinking....
well its better to get back to reality or i will have panic attacks the day before the exam once more. (which happens to be on fri-tomorrow)
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Wednesday, 11 March 2009,1:05 AM
recently there is so much buzz about the Chris Brown and Rihanna scandal.
well if you haven heard about it, where have you been on Earth? the news was and still is everywhere! Even Oprah Winfrey is talking about this on her talkshow!!
for the benefit of those who do not catch up with hollywood gossips, well it is alleged that Chris Brown assaulted Rihanna by beating her, punching her repeatedly and screaming "i am gonna kill you!" at her. he may be convicted for attempted murder/ assault and may end up in jail.
with all this happening to Rihanna, you may think that she would leave him for good...
but NOOOoooo....!!
reports are buzzing that she is back with Chris Brown, and maybe even recording a duet at this moment!
you may think 'WTF?! what is she thinking?! why is she back with the person who abused her physically and verbally???
i am in no position to comment for that, as i was once like her....
now that i look back in time, i dunno why did i also endure all that...
its weird.
its easy to say 'he will hit you again' or 'just walk away' or 'you dun deserve this, just leave him'
but somehow when u are in the relationship yourself, it's a totally different issue.
yes, there will be a period of time where you 'break off' with him. but after that, he will attempt to contact you.... telling you how sorry he is.... how much he misses you...... how much he loves you...... how much regret he has...... how miserable his life is...... how he promises never to do that again........that he have changed.
then ur heart will soften and you somehow can only recall the good times together when he shows you his loving and soft side.
and so the cycle keeps carrying on. back in the relationship, get into a quarrel, quarrel gets worse, break up, remorse, and back in the relationship once more.
i have seen the signs (lies, attempted betrayal, etc) BUT my eyes were 'covered' and my logic blinded. i should have realised how he will never change.
sighz
i was stupid.
in Rihanna's case, i sort of am able to put myself in her perspective to view this issue.
BUT if she really goes back to Chris because she still loves him and she forgives him, trust me THIS will happen again...
it may sound cliche, but from experience i know its true.
but to the person involved, although you hear this many times and you know how true it might be.... there is always this bit of hope that clouds all reason. the hope that from the 'love' he has for you will prevent him from mistreating you again.
so lets just wait and see how this turn out.... (maybe they will prove me wrong)
Friday, 6 February 2009,10:25 PM
This is MY song of the week!!!
The chorus of this song have been playing in my head for the whole week, and whenever i hear this song i simply can't help but to sway with the beat.
ITS SO CATCHY!!!
SIMPLY LOVE IT!!!
~enjoy.
(THESE ARE ALL MY FAVE PARTS OF THE SONG)
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh I'll get him hot, show him what I've got Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh, I'll get him hot, show him what I've got
Can't read my, Can't read my No he can't read my poker face (she's got to love nobody) Can't read my Can't read my No he can't read my poker face (she's got me like nobody)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face (Mum mum mum mah) P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face (Mum mum mum mah)
Friday, 30 January 2009,11:14 PM
I've once again change my blog skin.. and i really like it!!!!
:D
I always try to have different colour schemes and appearence from my previous skins. And for this one, I have modified and edited the original template for this skin to my satisfaction.
So do enjoy exploring~
Thursday, 29 January 2009,12:19 AM
Happy Chinese New Year to all!! Gong Xi Fa Cai!!
Well, its that time of the year again... where everyone will be busy spring cleaning, gong xi gong xi songs blasting from speakers in malls, people rushing to the supermarket to buy trolley-full of groceries... all this stress will be worth it just to have a family reunion dinner and to celebrate CNY with family members.
For me, CNY gives me the joy that i will get a break of 3 days from work. YAY!!
does that seems shallow?
well maybe it is. *shrugs shoulders* But i have learnt not to expect much from the 'festive' season anymore, and you have no reason to judge me without understanding what i had to endure every year.
for many of the past CNY, there had not been peace. CNY just seems to make 'seemingly healed' wounds rip apart. Tears, screams, alcohol would be the last combination in your mind to go with CNY right?
i think it might have been 5 years?? (or maybe more?????) since i had a normal happy CNY celebration or dinner.
However this year it seemed a little better, I actually had a complete reunion dinner! *surprise surprise* and i shouldn't have wished or even hoped for more. it continued to go smoothly as we did some house-visiting on the first day of the CNY, to my aunt's (mom's side)house. it was just like how it used to be many years ago...although initially it seemed a little awkward but it was ok! it was all good until hours later...
admist the cheerfulness of relatives watching DVDs and having dinner, suddenly self-control is broken when my mom's phone start to ring/vibrate. Rage took over as she got up and confronted him with just one sentence 'tell her not to call me on my phone!'. when it happened, my brother and myself was in the middle of the 'explosion'. but i was so taken aback that i couldn't even quite remember who was at the table and what was their reactions on their faces. at that point in time, pieces of realisation of what exactly was happening were beginning to fall into place.
after that sentence, she just turned to me and asked for the car keys. i knew i said 'no you can't drive.' (cause she just had a car accident last month, and was still lacking confidence in driving PLUS she was emotionally unstable) her reply 'nevermind, i'll just walk and take a cab.' prompted my brother to ask me to send her home instead. (i was still in semi-shocked condition that my brain had not thought of that yet)
i just grabbed my bag and hurried over to the door where she had already reached and was fumbling with the lock. the tap had already been turned on and she was in such a frenzy to leave that my cousin (the one who lived there) had to open the door for her whilst i was walking towards her and saying my hurried goodbyes to all who were there but have not recovered from being stunned by the sudden outburst.
whilst wearing shoes outside the door, it just became uncontrollable. The faucet burst as i just stood behind waiting. my brother and him were already wearing their shoes as well (somehow they also followed me out). almost everyone also gathered by the doorway looking on bewilderedly and full of concern about what had just happened. i think one of my uncle and aunty asked me if i knew what had happened, and at that point even though i had came to realise it, i just couldn't explain it....... i mean how could i say 'that woman called my mom to ask for him'?
i just ended saying 'i dunno.'
those few seconds seemed so long.............................as she stayed rooted there until she turned to walk out and we just followed as i quickly said a goodbye (and i think a sorry) to all who were standing there again.
it was just a too awkward and super hasty farewell (i forgot to even bring home our mandarin oranges) to a supposedly happy occasion. the festive mood for all disappeared there and then.
the journey home was super excruciating painful for me... and i believe that goes the same for everyone in that car. it turned out that he was ON the phone initially with her, IN my aunt's house and IN their living room with my cousin sitting within close hearing range (can you believe it???). hence my mom had to sms him and to call interupt him repeatedly as a signal to behave himself. eventually, he switched his phone off so he wouldn't receive any more calls. and when that china bitch couldn't call him, she freaked out, called my mom demanding her to pass the phone to him. (seriously WTF right?)
and it didn't end there.
it continued when we got home.
i just went into my room, turned on the tv and my laptop and tried to distract myself from whatever that was happening. i just wanted to shut it all out. but even then, i could hear the occasion high occtave voices until to a certain extend i can't simply hide/control myself anymore.
i had to intervene and say something. (i had voiced out my thoughts long ago but it didn't seemed to make any difference)
it got better, but the situation was already 'out of control'.
it's one thing to have a domestic quarrel, but having to expose the drama in front of relatives is another issue altogether. its not like they do not already know what was going on, but having them seeing all those.................... sighz............
i really hate all of this. the unsensitivenss, selfishness, out of control quarrels that sometimes escalates to fights, the way she drinks to 'numb' herself but end of getting more worked up and saying nonsense all the time.....................
its because of all THIS, my brother's and my studies were indirectly affected. somehow i will find solace in working long hours especially during the weekends, cause both will be home the whole day and most likely quarrel. maybe, currently with Louis's presence he sort of acts as a control for them to just ignore each other and not quarrel too much.
all of this just makes me feel insecure in love and relationships. not knowing if i will end the same way.... will love really last??? i would like to think that it would especially when there ARE couples that could........ but.......maybe i can keep my side of the deal but how can i gurantee that the other party will do the same?????? hence i will always ask Louis if he will ever cheat on me and if he will love me forever........ i may seemed clingy with my questions but i have to keep reassuring myself from hearing his response so that i will remain in my happy place.
that just sounds so damn pathetic.
this is the first time i am hanging my dirty laundry out for all to see.... but this is just a venting spot for me. this blog had been super inactive for so many years that i dun think there is anyone still reading this. hah!
there's more to vent but i'll just end my negative energy here.
Tuesday, 6 January 2009,1:01 AM
2-3 weeks ago i kept having dreams night after night.... dreams which felt so real emotionally as if it was unleashing all the suppressed, undisclosed thoughts i once had (not that any of them are erotic of any sort).
i will wake up feeling super motivated by some unknown type of courage to express myself from all the suppressed feelings that could be suffocating inside me otherwise i wouldn't be 'seeing' them in my subconscious state of mind. the feeling was.... as if..... whatever response from the other party does not matter to me anymore and that i just want to get whatever that is hidden inside me is let out so that i won't have to live in regret.
unfortunately, when i woke up feeling full of motivation and drive, and before i can accomplished what i felt like doing, i drowsily succumb into slumber once again...
then when i remembered what i was supposed to do when i wake up, i was too much of a wuss to actually complete the task as my conscious 'awake' mind is reigning and logically telling me 'dun be stupid'.
So... the courage i once had somehow was defeated and the sms which was supposed to carry a certain meaning turned into a somewhat innocent one instead.
geez. so much for all that... drains me dry on the insides.....
im weak.
though on the 'brighter' side (or so i hope) i no longer have dreams now...
im just feeling peaceful and contented with my life and sleep has been like being numb and maybe i would say dead. i feel really heavy when i sleep. perhaps i have gotten over past regrets and memories and just living in the present, where i currently feel happy and sort-of secure.
on a much much lighter note: im also very much preoccupied with the Twilight series... 'heart' it!!! i got caught in the whirlwind when i watched the movie and now am hooked on the books (got my hands on both twilight and new moon, which is the first and second book of the supposedly 5 book series)...OMG! im totally living in the fantasy of vampires and werewolves now... im swooning over all the fictional characters as if i am a teenager again.... you could say im acting like a 'lao jiao' teenager. LOL.
however i have finished reading both of them, and i've made plans to get the third and fourth one but it is all sold out!!
I NEED ECLIPSE AND BREAKING DAWN!!!!!!!!!!!!! if there is anyone out there who knows where i can get them locally do let me know pleaseeeee..
SERIOUSLY.
thanks!
heres a little snippet to show how wonderful twilight is......here are a few of my favourite scenes (warning: spoilers ahead for those who haven watch this wonderful wonderful movie)
this is the beautiful piano scene where Edward plays Bella's lullaby.... makes me so wanna play the piano again.
this was one of the impactful scenes where they play baseball- vampire style. simply love it! by the way i also love the background music courtesy by MUSE!
here is the extended trailer for the movie....
are you a fan now??
(i am already waiting in anticipation for the next movie 'new moon' supposedly out late 2009)
Biography
I'm Charmaine Ngium Sue Yun.
Was born into Singapore on 5th Sept 1984.
I am 1.795m tall (already taller than your average Asian girl)
What you are about to read is about MY life, thoughts & feelings.
So maybe after exploring my inner world, you just might understand me better....
Cravings
Flowing Cash Boyfriend
Dream House
Beach Holiday Car
Happyness
I'm Charmaine Ngium Sue Yun.